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DIRECTING VS. REQUESTING

Many parents with whom I work find themselves frustrated by their childrens noncompliance. They express this concern in several ways, most typically saying things like he just doesnt listen or I cant get it through his head or he just doesnt seem to understand. They explain, argue, exhort, plead, beseech, threaten, and yell, all to no avail. Their exasperation increases, but the noncompliance continues.

As with any search for a solution to a problem, it is preferable to 1. begin at the beginning and 2. use the simplest solution available. With a noncompliant child, beginning simply means clearly communicating that you expect to be obeyed. However, this simple beginning often causes many parents discomfort. Lets examine what causes this discomfort, and then see why that discomfort is misplaced.

Tell, dont ask. If you have decided that your child must do as you expect, the chances that he will comply are greatly enhanced if you tell him (Put your pajamas on, brush your teeth, and get ready for bed) rather than ask him (How about getting ready for bed?). When you make a request rather than direct your child, If you call to schedule a couples therapy session, here is what you should expect. An initial appointment will be scheduled and it is important that both members of the couple attend. The initial session or two will involve taking a history. I will ask about the current problem and any precipitating factors. A complete history of the couple relationship will be taken. I will also take a history of each individual partner and their family of origin. This information will be used in a subsequent analysis. I use an Imago style approach to couples therapy. This means that one of the primary areas of focus will be an evaluation of unmet needs in childhood from one's early caretakers. The theory suggests that we unconsciously choose mates who we hope can fill our unmet childhood needs while at the same time provide some familiarity (both positive and negative) with the way we were raised. How we react to those in our most intimate relationships are therefore highly influenced by how we were raised. Naming, understanding and bringing these expectations to the forefront help understand partners' behaviors towards each other and hopefully allow the couple enough empathy to change the way they react to each other. As in other types of therapy, progress goals will be set and the length of therapy depends on the effort and progress made by the couple. It’s a beautiful hot summer day, yet some people just can’t get out of bed. Depression is more than just a one day case of the blues. How can you distinguish depression from grief or a bad day and what do you do if you determine that you or someone you love is depressed? Depression vs. Grief Suffering any type of loss, be it a death, break up or even a move from one location to another is bound to bring up feelings of sadness. There may even be crying spells, loss of appetite and an inability to concentrate. While these symptoms can also signal major depression, the intensity and duration distinguish them from a depressive episode. A grief reaction may last several months to a year but one will notice that symptoms diminish with time. With major depression, symptoms stay the same or worsen and there is also a preoccupation with worthlessness, as well as suicidal ideation. There may be physical agitation and a loss or gain of weight. Those who are depressed feel that life is no longer worth living and find no joy in any activity. What to Do? True clinical depression requires treatment. Up to 15% of individuals with severe major Depressive Disorder die by Suicide (DSM IV). If you or someone you know feels depressed, the first step is to see your physician who can prescribe an anti-depressant or refer you to a psychiatrist. In addition, it has been shown that the combination of medication and psycho therapy can improve depressive symptoms in the long term. Depending on the issues, therapy can address family and personal concerns as well as provide ways to modify one’s thought process to lessen the potential for future episodes. What else helps? If you are the person who is depressed, it is important to take care of yourself physically. Sleep patterns are often altered so getting enough rest might not be a problem. Rather, it is important to get out of bed regularly and get some exercise. Even a simple walk outside will be helpful in lifting mood. Eating balanced meals is often a challenge since loss of appetite is a symtom yet dehydration and lack of nutrition can worsen depressive symptoms Providing individual, relationship and group counseling from a spiritual perspective. Fully licensed in Indiana and Board Certified. Everything about life is about relationship, our relationship with our self, and with significant others. I approach my work with clients from this perspective. I work without regard to religious preference or spirituality, ethnic background, or sexual orientation (GLBT affirmative). I also have a special interest in men's spirituality and am forming groups at this time. Evening and weekend hours available. I look forward to working with you on your path! David Holan, MA, LMHC Providing counseling services from a Christian perspective in the Indianapolis area for more than 10 years. Feeling stressed? Getting angry a lot? Problems in your relationship? I am a therapist who can help by talking with you via email, phone or office visits. I also provide e-courses for stress and anger management. I also provide coaching services for truckers who are on the road for weeks at a time. I do this via phone and email so they can stay on the road and have access to a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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