Get Ready for Romance

The primary cause of mother guilt is the pervasive notion that mothers aren't doing enough for their children. They believe that that should always be doing more or better for their kids.

The main carriers of this disease are other mothers. These mothers prattle on constantly about all that they are doing for their child. They are the mothers who are baking their own bread, making their own peanut butter, and continually stimulating their children through trips to the museum, reading The Iliad in the original Greek, and playing Mozart to their children in utero.

The measure of their love for and devotion to their children is how much they do for them. They take pride in being frazzled and exhausted by all the efforts they make on behalf of their children: the hot breakfasts, the Kumon math lessons, the cello instructions. Their motto is: The more I do for my child, the better mother I am.

Now, there is clearly nothing wrong with a hearty breakfast, or intellectual and cultural stimulation. But this credo overlooks the fact that, generally speaking, the less that is done for kids the better they do.

We are doing no favor for our children when we do for them what they can do for themselves. In fact, we are unintentionally doing them a disservice by preventing them from developing a sense of their own capability.

Outside of the occasional common courtesy, we are inadvertently handicapping our kids when we tie their shoes or get them a glass of water when they are capable of The Art of Mending, by Elizabeth Berg. This is a bit of a girl’s book, but a wonderful study of family dynamics. One of the highlights is how it dealt with a family secret in a balanced manner that allowed us to see the roles and perspectives of all the roles in the family. There was no single “bad guy” in the family, just a system at work. This is how it often is in families. There might be one person who seems to have “the problem” but everyone in the system contributes in his or her own way. Because I see children, I am often asked questions about parenting. Some are very specific, asking about how to handle a behavioral issue like anger or doing homework. Other times, the questions are more general and it feels like the parent is looking for my approval. Without actually asking the question, they are wondering, “Am I doing it right”, “Will my child be harmed because I work?” or here’s what Tommy or I did in response to this situation- “Are we normal?” It seems that our ideas of good parenting are shaped by many different influences. Of course , our parents’ ideas of parenting shape our own but things were so different when we were children that it is hard to compare. Men weren’t expected to be as involved, if they were involved at all and fewer women were in the workforce. Society shapes our ideas of what is expected now but messages may be mixed depending on one’s social or economic surroundings. At times, especially with middle class families, parenting feels like a competition. My child got into this school or plays this sport competitively or is in these extracirricullar activities. Grades and test scores become public know ledge and at times feel more like a reflection of the parents’ performance than the child. The above discussion doesn’t even address yet another complication. The parent who was poorly parented and knows they want to do things differently but does not have a close role model. How does one know the best way to parent? Assuming that there are no problems with physical, verbal or sexual abuse and your child is safe, here are some guidelines to assure a parent that they are doing it right. 1. There is no RIGHT way to do it. All parents do the best they can given their own stage of development.2. There is no PERFECT parent, nor should a parent try to be perfect. In fact, according to researcher D.W. Winnicott, it is imperative that we fail our children at times so that they develop resilience and skills to take care of themselves in the real world.3. What is important, according to Winnicott is that we be a GOOD ENOUGH parent. This means meeting the needs of the child enough so that they understand that in general, the world is a reliable place and that others can be trusted.4. This goal can be accomplished whether you work or stay home. A parent who is dissatisfied with their own situation will project this disatisfaction on to their children and won’t be as emotionally available.5. Be intentional about the values that you want to pass along to your children and model them in your life.6. Provide firm and consistent discipline. Children need their parents to be parents and not permissive friends.Be open to other’s way s of parenting and recognize that there is no one way of doing it. Follow your intuition and do the best you can. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with over 9 years experience working with children, adolescents, young adults and adults, mainly in the area of grief and loss. Through my work at Brooke's Place for Grieving Young People, www.brookesplace.org, I have been taught by countless numbers of individuals, ranging in ages 3 - adults, about grieving the death of someone significant. Death is the ultimate loss. However, each loss in life is significant. My practice provides a safe place for you to work through any loss or relationship issue. Other areas I work with include depression, anxiety and self esteem. Grieving is natural and is your unique way of experiencing any loss. Choosing to grieve any loss is a courageous step. I will walk with you in your grief journey, at your speed and duration. How you choose to express your story is up to you. I will offer you acceptance while sharing your story. Are you experiencing loss through death, relationship, experiences from childhood, career choices, children transitioning, or other losses? Do you yearn for greater intimacy in relationships? Where there is death or loss, there is life, love, faith, hope and joy. Doing the work of grief is not easy; it IS REAL! And, you are worth it. Feeling stressed? Getting angry a lot? Problems in your relationship? I am a therapist who can help by talking with you via email, phone or office visits. I also provide e-courses for stress and anger management. I also provide coaching services for truckers who are on the road for weeks at a time. I do this via phone and email so they can stay on the road and have access to a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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